g GET IT OFF YOUR CHEST!
 
Have you had your driveway coated with the Comhairle's tar, are you a Bishop who's been up to mischief with your housekeeper or did you even buy a Willie John MacAulay watch? Whatever your confession, we want to hear from you!
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Confession:

 

Confessions will appear below to be read by all and sundry (except solicitors, police and priests)

 

Dear Amadan,

I can't live with myself until I get this off my chest. It's been on my conscience for about 16 or 17 years now and I have almost jumped off the cliff at Port of Ness lighthouse because of it. I feel really terrible admitting it but I bought Donnie Dotaman's single "Hercules" when it was on the go. Do you think I'll ever be forgiven?

Anon

Dear Anon,

If you can't bear to live with this terrible admission, there's only one thing I can say - JUMP!

Hugh Mor


Dear Amadan,

I didn't buy a Willie John MacAulay watch but I have all his albums and once stood in for him in my first gig in Berneray when he was unable to go!

Arthur Cormack, Portree

Dear Arthur,

Pity SNH spent 30 000 on vermin control measures to keep the rabbits at bay when the causeway was built - you and Willie John could have done the job for them. "Splash", if you see any rabbits, you know who to phone!

Hugh Mor


Dear Amadan

Can you help to remove my guilt?  My name is Hans and I am 32 and live at home with my parents in a small village just outside Hamburg.  I am an avid Runrig fan and know all their  songs including the Gaelic ones and I have all their CD's.  My favourite one is Hearthammer.  Anyway, despite modelling my life on Donnie Munro I recently did a terrible thing.  My dilemma lies in the fact that Bruce now sings with the band and I feel my allegiance should lie with the band entire.  Accordingly, I decided to shed my Munro image and cut off my mullet and return to my original blond colour.  Have I done wrong?  Will Donnie understand and forgive me?  Could you please help Amadan?

Dear Hans

Leave your hair the same colour. Teeth extraction and the fitting of falsers might just be a bit extreme so you could compromise by letting your eyebrows grow until they stick out a bit. That should keep you in Donnie's good books.

Amadan


Dear Amadan

I am a Teuchtar who works for the Beeb with a name as Gaidhealach as you can get. However, I have a slight problem in that I think I am a Runrig fan called Hans from Germany. What should I do?

Dear Alasdair MacKay

If I were you I would 'come out'. You'll definitely feel much better!

Amadan


Dear Amadan

I have to confess that for many many years I have coveted Arthur Cormack's Willie John MacAulay watch - he does own one even if he never bought it.... Or is this just feelings of inadequacy in the company of such illustrious singing talent?

Mary Ann Kennedy

Dear Mary Ann

Let me make it Cliar, there's no need to feel inadequate. Both of them have 'Mary Ann Kennedy' posters on their bedroom walls and video recorders set to 6.50 pm on Thursdays.

Amadan


Dear Amadan

I grew up thinking that Brian Wilson was a socialist. Now that he has proved otherwise can I ever be forgiven for having been so very, very blind?

Norman MacArthur

Dear Norman

Did you not notice that the West Highland Free Press has had a blue masthead for the last 26 years? Surely that would have given you a wee clue!

Amadan


Dear Amadan

This week I was bullied out of my usual seat by a wee woman with a big ego. Should I now admit that the chocolates I gave her for Christmas were infact "Bob Martin" buttons intended for my neighbour's sheepdog?

AM, Lewis and Holyrood

Dear AM

No , keep quiet about that, I've a better idea. Get Erica to buy a bar of the best laxative chocolate from Roddy Smith's, put it in a 'Galaxy' wrapper and give it to the bully just before the next debate on Clause 28.

Amadan


Dear Amadan

When I was young I locked my wee brother in a room and made him listen to "Land of my Boyhood" by Willie John MacAulay until his ears bled. Will I ever be forgiven?

Christeen, Edinburgh

Dear Christeen,

NO!

Amadan


Dear Amadan,

I have a habit of parking on double yellow lines and in disabled bays. Should I saw one of my legs off with a hacksaw so I won't feel so guilty the next time?

"Concerned", Lewis

Dear "Concerned"

That's just a wee bit too drastic. Why don't you pop round to Heather Isles Meats and get the job done professionally!

Amadan.


Dear Amadan,

For days before the poor unfortunate Ray Bowyer finally made his escape from Taransay I knew of his plight and did nothing. How can I make amends ?

Somhairle

Dear Somhairle

I suggest you give Ray houseroom for a couple of weeks to let him re-adjust to life in civilisation (If Lewis can be classed as civilisation that is). Remember to check his pockets for the knife first though!

Amadan


Dear Amadan

Please put my mind at ease. Last July I stayed at a guest house overlooking the Uig sands (Lewis). One evening the propietor was expecting a group of Italians who had booked to stay  and was rather concerned when they did not arrive for dinner.  The phone rang, and it was the Italians. They had just got off the coach from Glasgow and wanted directions on how to make their own way to the guest house. Sadly, no coaches from Glasgow go to Uig on Lewis, and our Italian friends had alighted at Uig on Skye!

I did nothing to help these poor tourists. Are they still swimming across the Minch? Should I have offered to help them? Amadan please put my conscience at ease!

Mhairi

Dear Mhairi,

I am vialli pleased to penne this reply to you as everything worked out for the Ities.

Having had to stay a night in Uig, the culinary capital of Skye, they decided they'd better go somewhere more cultured so boarded the ferry for Lochmaddy. After speaking to a local worthy there, they discovered that they were direct descendants of the Clan MacAroni from Paiblesgarry who had emigrated in the 1700s. They were also excited to discover that a relative - Domhnull Seumas MacAroni from Lochportain, had composed the well known Gaelic song 'Fear a Ciabatta'.

They are now intending to have Paiblesgarry 'twinned' with Milan, given the similarities between the two areas.

So there you go, every story has a happy ending. It's just as well I'm here to tagliatelle them!


Dear Amadan

I recently phoned in to a local community radio station(Yes ISLES FM ) and pretended that I had loads and loads of lovely kittens to give away free to a good home. I did not of course have any kittens, I hate kittens, as does my wife Dorothy who works in the local council offices. The telephone number that I gave out, as a contact number for the said kittens was that of one of my friends and work mates (well, at least he is at the time of sending you this). I then arranged for all of my friends who had called round for a party (Christmas day) to continualy phone the number and ask for the Kittens. They did of course put on funny accents(some did not need to bother because they already speak funny, take my own brother for example....PLEASE TAKE MY BROTHER) one pretended that he was from the local curry house, another pretending he was from the cats protection group etc etc.

It was all my wife Dorothy's idea (she that works in the Council) but never the less, I do feel ever so slightly guilty about it myself and feel that the time has come to be honest about this and confess. These calls did go on forever and ever and the guy does have a young family and it was christmas day and we did not show him much festive spirit and good will.(Dorothy, I have to say, had lots of festive spirit!!) Do you think I should(We should) confess to him and his family and admit to being real pains in the toinne that sent all these calls (I have heard from a local "sheep" that he was none to happy about the whole thing !!!

Yours in Remorse (on behalf of Dot and myself, but mostly Dot, since it was her idea in the first place..by the way she probably has Willie J Macaulay records as well.)

Christopher Graham (non catlover and beloved husband of Dot)

Zzzzzzz Zzzzzzz Zzzzzzz Zzzzzzzz Zzzzzzz...............


Dear Amadan

I think Mary Ann Kennedy has me confused with a certain accordion player from the Braes area of Skye, who was paid in Willie John watches, and hence, had a few. 

I have never owned one, though I would like to get one second hand, if there are any out there.  Can you help me, Amadain?

Arthur Cormack

Dear Arthur

You've got me confused (that's why I'm an Amadan of course!). Do you want one second hand or a second hand watch?

I don't think the watches were sophisticated enough to have a second hand so there'll be none of them about.

The man from Braes is rumoured to have a few watches left but I'd imagine they will be covered in soot and that the straps will be melted. Your best bet would be to go to the Royal Hotel about 4pm on Friday and ply him with drink until he divulges their location. (Me thinks they might be Beneath the Beret!)

Amadan

PS What is the similarity between a musician from Braes and a Willie John MacAulay watch?

They've both got funny faces and hands that don't stop moving!


Dear Amadan

I laughed when England lost their last test match. In fact I laugh every time they lose. I laugh a lot.

Drew Millar

Dear Father Millar,

I have to confess I do the same.

If you are concerned about too much laughter you should stay in the confines of your monastery, away from such wordly things. If that doesn't work, how about reading the Bank of America's latest profit figures or Highland Council's budget for Skye and Lochalsh. Both are guaranteed to bring you to tears.

Amadan

PS Tell JP I'm asking for him next time you're in Rome.


Dear Amadan

I have a friend who is proud of being a true blue Skyeman. I know is great grandfather was a sheep stealer from Point, Lewis who married a Hearrach on his way to exile in Skye.Should I tell him?

Anon

Dear Anon

Only if you're into sheep thrills.


Dear Amadan

I have felt guilty about this misdemeanour for a number of years now and I simply have to confess in order to ease my troubled sleep. Whilst attending a tattie and herring night in the Skeabost area of Skye, I was obligingly served a plate of mince and tatties, owing to my gastric intolerance of said herring. Unfortunately, due to my having taken part in Struan FC's celebrations on their first win in 87 matches the previous night, my intolerance stretched as far as the fine plate of mince before me. Having caused enough trouble in my request for an alternative to the menu, I felt unwilling to pass back my untouched plate of food. So while no one was looking, I filled a paper napkin with spoonfuls of mince and tatties and stuffed it into one of the pockets of Finlay's pool table. Justly, I suppose, I have never one a game of pool on that table since. I would like to rectify the situation, though not, obviously, by removing the package from the pocket (should it still lurk there)- more that I seek forgiveness and would like some luck on the pool table again.

Anon

Dear Ruairidh MacKinnon (I take it it is you as no one else I know would admit to supporting Struan FC).

This is a classic case of after dinner mince. The pool table unfortunately had a severe case of food poisoning and is on its last legs. How about using your position as a sport shop manager to replace the table free of charge - then at least you would only have to dip into your own pocket and not that of Finlays pool table!

Amadan


CENSORED! THIS ARTICLE HAS BEEN REMOVED BY THE MANAGEMENT.


Dear Amadan

Last week I ran short of bull's blood for my puddings and in desperation I killed the goat from the lodge here in Stornoway, chust to finish the batch. I AM SORRY!

Ian Barley MacLeod

Dear Barley

I hope you don't end up in the soup over that one, you silly billy!

Amadan


Dear Amadan

I confess that a formative part of my youth was spent nicking Colin Oshan's tractor tyres in the name of the Springfield Rd Tyre Gang - Kids of the 80's will appreciate this recollection and hopefully admit similar escapades...

Murdaig Morrisdean

Dear Murdaig

Expect a visit from the Stornoway Mafia shortly. We'll look for your obituary in the Gazette!

Amadan


Dear Amadan

I think I love you!

Definitely Anon.xxxxxxx

Help! I'm being stalked like my pal Rudolph at Cluanie! Send me your e-mail!

Amadan


Dear Amadan

I know a guy - who knew a guy etc. that says one of his favourite pastimes was to pop a little something :-) into his fathers pipe. His father would then go to work feeling refreshed and ready for action!  After nearly an hour of slogging it out selling his product, he would often be bemused by the reaction of his clients. Although many were clearly not interested in his "once in a lifetime opportunity" - they refused to leave. Indeed many fell asleep, others prefered to munch their sweeties or pass judgement on Mrs. MacDougal's latest hat......

Yes, it was the local minister - now you all know why you could not follow his sermon. Ssssssh, he still does not know !!!!! - so don't tell him -

If you are a minister with a son that offers to clean your pipe on a Sunday afternoon - have a little think and maybe you should clean it yourself.

This gives a whole new perspective to the amazing burning bush that Moses saw. Oh how I would have loved a sermon by this minister on the subject of burning bush.

I know a guy - who knew a guy etc. that says one of his favourite pastimes was to pop a little something :-) into his fathers pipe. His father would then go to work feeling refreshed and ready for action!  After nearly an hour of slogging it out selling his product, he would often be bemused by the reaction of his clients. Although many were clearly not interested in his "once in a lifetime opportunity" - they refused to leave. Indeed many fell asleep, others prefered to munch their sweeties or pass judgement on Mrs. MacDougal's latest hat......

Yes it was the local minister - now you all know why you could not follow his sermon. Ssssssh, he still does not know !!!!! - so don't tell him -

If you are a minister with a son that offers to clean your pipe on a Sunday afternoon - have a little think and maybe you should clean it yourself.

This gives a whole new perspective to the amazing burning bush that Moses saw. Oh how I would have loved a sermon by this minister on the subject of burning bush.

Matty,Mack,Lou,&Johnny - The Fab Four

Dear Fab Four

Why did you have to grass on the poor chap? Just because the minister made a hash of his sermons, you can't blame his son. Things have gone to pot I would say.

Amadan


Dear Amadan

I am deadly worried about something that happened to me last week. It was like this,I was picking winkles on Berneray when I found this bit of metal on the shore line. It was about 24" x 18" square and I said to myself, that would fit the hole in my byre roof lovely, so up it went and it done the job great. Now this is where the problem starts, from inside you can see clearly that it is the Berneray plaque. If only I could read I would have known what it said and realised what it was. How do I stop the biggest gossip on God's earth from telling everybody that it is nailed to my byre roof? She saw it on Friday night???. I don't suppose that there is a reward, then I could get my roof fixed for good. What do I do apart to learn to read?

Tonald

Dear Tonald

I'm sending a scout to Berneray as so many people are claiming to have the plaque (Maybe that should be'plague'). Watch out for him - we'll soon see who's telling the truce. In the meantime I suggest you find a Magpie and pretend its nesting in your byre.

Amadan


Dear Amadan

The other day whilst climbing a hill on the Island of Harris, I saw one of thon Castaway fellows desperately trying to hack at his hair with a Bic razor.  I was disturbed.  I was unsure whether or not to phone Iain A at the Gazzette to give him the jump on another potential runaway. In the end I didn't.  Should I be feeling guilt?

Iain Dhomhnall Iain Eardsaidh (Bragar)

Dear IDIE

Wait until Sunday night and watch Castaway 2000. If one of them has gone missing and they are wondering where he is pick up the phone. If they haven't noticed, let him escape!

Amadan


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