chaotic

CHAOTIC CELTIC BROADCASTING
 

 

 

LINGERBAY NO MOARR!

 
In a move guaranteed to shock islanders, Lafarge Redland Aggregates have confirmed that they are to abandon their proposed development at Lingerbay on the Isle of Harris and have instead purchased the Cuillin on Skye where they plan to site a new superquarry.

A spokesman for the company said that they had got fed up with waiting for the government to make a decision regarding the planning details and they had also been unsuccessful in finding labourers in Harris that could work a pick or shovel.

The managing director of Redland - Doug MacQuarrie told reporters he was disappointed that the Lingerbay scheme did not work out and that he would be meeting officers from Comhairle nan Eilean's Technical Services Department to discuss the economic impact faced by Harris as a result.

Meanwhile, in Skye, John Wolridge Gordon (MacLeod of MacLeod) said he was delighted that the mountains were at last going to be used effectively and hopes that he will now be able to cover his roof with gold bullion to protect it from the harsh Skye climate.

 

ST KILDA CAUSEWAY

 
As part of their policy of linking all the inhabited islands of the Western Isles, Comhairle nan Eilean Siar have announced plans to build a causeway to St Kilda. The scheme, recently devised by the Council's Technical Services Department, is expected to take fifteen years to complete and will cost in the region of 30 billion.

Tenders have already been accepted from a new Lewis based company who previously specialised in tarring croft roads. Redland Aggregates are expected to provide the building materials from their new superquarry on Skye, having sent a fat brown envelope to a council official.

Funding has been sourced from Highlands and Islands Enterprise who want to continue their successful policy of repopulating isolated parts of Scotland (at any cost), and they intend to create a pineapple plantation on the islands.

Meanwhile, SNH have announced that the are to provide £100 000 for anti vermin measures at the causeway in an attempt to preserve the Gannet population, having heard that at least one Niseach has got a car.

 

WIND FARM FOR SKYE

 
Orbost

Following unsuccessful attempts to site an industrial unit and housing on their estate at Orbost, Skye and Lochalsh Enterprise have confirmed that they are to establish a wind farm there. A planning application has already been submitted to Highland Council for the siting of 350 windmills.

An anonymous official from the company said they had no intention of supplying alternative energy from the hot air over Dunvegan, but hoped a strong easterly wind would cause the turbines to propel the whole estate over to the Western Isles.

 

JOBS BOOST IN SKYE

 

The Uig area of Skye has received a boost with the news that Morrison Marine Engineering are to expand their workforce to 95, owing to the success of the new amphibious jet car, developed by managing director Sandy Morrison in conjunction with Saab of Sweden.

Mr Morrison said that he had been planning to take the plunge with a new business venture for a number of years and recent trials of the prototype vehicle at Dunvegan Pier had gone extremely well, despite the project being finely balanced between success and failure for a short period.

According to officials at the launch, the jet vehicle climbed from twenty feet to sea level in about two seconds and then carried out a successful remote survey of the seabed, scooping up sand and seaweed samples before returning to the surface. One onlooker at the trial thought that there had been a fuel leak in the vehicle when he saw the sea turing red but on rushing to inform Mr Morrison realised that it was just the reflection from his face.

 

CAL-MAC SHIPS RAIDED

 

Trading Standards officials from the Western Isles and Highland Council raided all CalMac ferries operating in the islands earlier this week. The raids are believed to have taken place following complaints regarding the inferior quality of matches which were being sold in the on-board shops.

A press release issued by the companies PR company accused the councils of an over reaction and blamed local members of parliament Alasdair Morrison and Brian Wilson for instigating the whole affair.

It transpires that the matches used to be in perfect working order but now won't strike after the government ministers tampered with them in an abrasive manner.

 

CRIMEBOTCH OK with Defective Constable Wellies A'Bhalaich, Stornoway.

 

Defective1. After complaints from the public, police in Stornoway mounted a purge on misbehaviour by youngsters in the Castle Grounds last weekend.

Chief Inspector Angus McCoatup stated that officers were astounded to find two intoxicated youths, one of whom was drinking battery acid and the other eating fireworks. He said that one had been charged and the other let off.

2. A lorry load of wigs destined for Stephen Llyods Hairdressing salon was hijacked after leaving Colin MacAskill's yard in Stornoway. Officers are at present combing the area.

3. A mysterious large hole has appeared in the middle of the Barvas to Ness road. Sgt MacLeod is looking into it.

Aghh! Enough! Ed.

 

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