Amadan Bamboozler ©
|Lately, the talk
round trendy island bars such as Rodel and Creagorry has been of 'clear
blue sky' and 'low hanging fruit'. Luckily, the islanders have not gone
bananas - they're just using up to the minute catchphrases........
Have you ever gone for a job interview with a high tech company such as Gaeltech in Dunvegan, had to make a speech to the Scottish Parliament, or been in front of the Comhairle's Disciplinary Committee and found that you don't speak the correct lingo? Well now we have the answer - the Amadan Bamboozler. This will assist you in preparing speeches and generally confuse your audience:
|0. integrated||0. management||0. options|
|1. total||1. organisational||1. flexibility|
|2. systematised||2. monitored||2. capability|
|3. parallel||3. reciprocal||3. mobility|
|4. functional||4. digital||4. programming|
|5. responsive||5. logistical||5. concept|
|6. optimal||6. transitional||6. time-phase|
|7. synchronised||7. incremental||7. projection|
|8. compatible||8. third-generation||8. hardware|
|9. balanced||9. policy||9. contingency|
By reading across the columns and taking any three digit number you will sound as if you are an expert in your field (for Barraich, I don't mean the land around your house). For instance, take the number 532 and you come up with "responsive reciprocal capability." That has no meaning to anybody, but you must admit it sounds great! No one will have the remotest idea what it means, but you can be sure that any listener will think twice before asking a question. Good luck!
(Perhaps our readers at Sabhal Mor Ostaig coul make up a Gaelic one with all the new words that are being used!)
WEB SITE OF THE MONTH
THE DONNIE MUNRO APPRECIATION SITE - Yup, believe it or not, someone has gone to the bother of making a website in appreciation of Lord Munro of Scorrybreac (You heard it here first - watch the forthcoming honours lists!). Now Amadan would be first to agree that Runrig were and are an excellent band and have done us 'teuchs' proud, but a site dedicated to Donnie himself.........Aggh! Take a look yourselves and see what you think.
Please send details of any site you find that would be suitable for the award in the next issue. Things can only get better!
BONNIE PRINCE CHARLIE
Like the Loch Ness Monster, The Cuillin Yeti and the Calmac Hopscotch, Bonnie Prince Charlie is a legend in these parts. Every area map of the Hebrides has a Prince Charlie's Cave on it somewhere - either he must have been bionic or 'Calmac' & 'Citylink' were on the go long before any of us thought.
Amadan would like to redraw the Prince's trail around the Highlands so if you know where there is a cave or any other landmark he's meant to have been at, please let us know - we'll publish the map in a future issue.
How many are still alive then? Amadan has heard they've turned to cannibalism, a trait they learned from Ray before he left. If you don't believe us ask the "Tarbert Terrors" as one of them said to Doctor Stephenson - 'Your wife makes a lovely roast' and the doctor replied 'Yeah, but the kids will miss her".
Looking forward to the next series, especially the local's visit!
There are loads of famous people with island names - Rolf Harris, Eoligarry Glitter, Daniel Day Lewis, Del Boy Trotternish, Elliot Ness, Lee Trevino, Tarbert Van Lingen........
Can you come up with more? If so e-mail us and we'll compile a list!
What do you call bears with no ears? B.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall? "Dam."
How many moths does it take to change a light bulb? Don't know, but they just keep trying don't they?
What's worse than finding a maggot in your black pudding? Finding half a maggot!
A tourist approached a local in Tarbert and asked "What's the quickest way to Leverburgh?" "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the tourist. "I'm driving." The local scratched his head and replied - "That's the quickest way!"
Two bits of vomit were walking along the street in Stornoway. As they passed the Clachan Bar one of them started to cry. "What's the mattttttttaar cove?" asked the first. " I'm sorrrry" said the other "but I always get emotionaaal when I pass the place where I was brought up".
Two goats are out behind the tv studio in Stornoway eating old "Para Handy" film. One goat says to the other, "Pretty good, huh?" The second goat says, "Aye, but it's not as good as the book."
Alasdair Morrison MSP is being shown around the Western Isles Hospital, and towards the end of his visit he is taken to a ward to meet some of the patients.
He approaches one man, who has no obvious signs of injury, and asks him how he feels. The man replies: 'Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face, Great Chieftain o' the pudding-race!'
Perplexed, Alasdair approaches the man in the next bed and asks him why he is in hospital.
'Some hae meat, and cannae eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be thankit,' says the man.
A third patient tells him: 'Wee sleekit, cowrin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie....'
Embarrassed, Alasdair turns to the doctor accompanying him and whispers: 'What's the matter with them? Is this the psychiatric ward?'
'No,' replies the doctor. 'It's the Burns unit.'
(NEVER MIND IF IT'S OLD, I HAVE TO FILL THE SPACES WITH SOMETHING!!)
Why are elephants large grey and wrinkled? Have you ever tried ironing one?!
Two packets of crisps were walking along the road in Staffin when a local offers them a lift. 'No thanks' say the crisps, 'we're Walkers.'
Why was the mushroom invited to all the parties? Because he was a funghi.
Some Stornowegians out for their weekend stroll in the Castle Grounds came across a badly bruised and bleeding man wearing RAF uniform in a human shaped crater on the golf course. When they asked what had happened , the man explained that he had to bail out of his plane but his parachute didn't work properly. One of the Stornoway fellows then said "Och you should know better cove, nothing opens here on a Sunday".
What do you call a man from Balivanaich in a suit? The accused.
Calum MacDonald was flying down to Glasgow on the B.R.A. scuttle. Just as he was about to drink his free tipple, he heard a voice say seductively, 'Oh, what lovely curly hair you've got!'. He looked around but everyone seemed to be engrossed in the latest Stornoway Gazette, so he carried on drinking his orange juice (cough!).
few minutes later he heard a similar voice saying 'I just love your
island lilt!'. He looked about again, hoping to see a gorgeous blonde
from Goathill, but still did't see where the voice was coming from.
When he went back to his drink, a voice said again, 'What handsome eyes
you have!' Baffled, he got the attention of a passing steward and asked
what was going on. The steward said 'Oh, it's just the nuts - they're
Two pieces of tarmac walked down from the Whitehouse on Sandwick Road and into the Whaler's rest Bar on Church Street, Stornoway.
As they sat drinking, one of the pieces told the other that he was the 'hardest' piece of tar in the Western Isles. "You know cove, I come from a croft road in Back and they have the biggest, heaviest tractors in the Western Isles there," he said to his mate. "Rubbish!" shouted the second piece. 'There's no way on this earth that you're the hardest. I come from the Stornoway to Tarbert road and I have hundreds of Colin MacAskill's and DR Macleod's lorries passing over me every day in life. And, DHM MacIver drives along me whenever he goes into Stornoway. I must be the toughest tarmac on the island."
Just as he finished speaking, the swinging doors flew open and in walked a piece of red tarmac. The second piece of tarmac jumped up, knocking over the barstool and ran out onto Church Street, followed a couple of seconds later by an inquisitive mate.
the hecks up with you?" he shouted after his pal, who was hiding
around the corner. "You're surely not scared of that fellow who
just walked in are you?' he asked. "Well, you know, I may be the
hardest, toughest piece of tarmac on the long Island" came the
reply "...but that guy who came in is a cyclepath!"
A plastic bag from North Uist which had been feeling unwell for some time, thought it had better seek medical advice before Dr John MacLeod retires.
As he told the doctor his symptoms, he noticed Dr John's face become very serious. "Tell me what's wrong and don't hold anything back!" it cried, thinking the worst.
"I hate to have to tell you this" said Dr John "... but you've got AIDS".
"But I've never, ever had sex," cried the bag.
"I know that, but you're a carrier" replied the doctor.
energetic minister in Lewis was wired for sound with a lapel mike (not
that he'd need it). As he preached, he moved briskly about the pulpit,
jerking the cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound
up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several
circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother
and whispered, "Mammy, if he gets loose will he hurt us?"