Blast...

A WORD OR TWO FROM HUGH...

 

This issue does not contain as much material as I would like as time and circumstances went against me - apologies if it doesn't live up to your expectations.

The last (and first) issue of Amadan very successful with over 6000 'hits', all by word of mouth except for the lucky six offices that were notified by e-mail. What started out as a wee piece of 'computarachd' intended to raise a few smiles locally (I thought I'd get a max. of 50 hits), reached all corners of the globe with e-mails of approval flooding in from islanders and exiles who had been told by a relation,friend or colleague of Amadan's existence. The poor electronic postman was busy for weeks and weeks delivering an average of three e-mails or 'confessions' a day! (One even came from a Barrach in Dubai - me thinks he probably spends the day waiting for a Loganair to land on the sand.)

Despite this, only three people entered the caption competition and to date no-one has entered the 'Crofter's Commission!' Only a few people sent me material for use in a new issue so I have decided to keep it all on one page and write the rest myself again. Hopefully, more will come in this time - there must be loads of budding writers and comedians in the islands and elsewhere so PLEASE, get your fingers moving and send some material as I haven't the time to do it all myself. If you want another AMADAN help me!

Hugh

PS For the Gordons of this world, our friendly public relations girl Sandra has offered to man a helpline for explaining the jokes. Details to follow later.........

PPS Seonaidh Smaaaogaid and Jimmy Sallach (Jim'll Fix It) have both cleared off to Dunvegan to assist John MacLeod (- don't eat anything if you see cookery courses being run to raise funds for the roof). They will return!

 
COMPETITION WINNERS
 

Sheep

The three prizewinners for the caption competition were as follows :

"I got a hat at Nazir's last sale for the Maaa-nish Com-Ewe-nions! An duil a bheil i g'am mo shuiteadh? "

John AS MacKay

"Whats that Domhnail ? Have you got one too ?" or "-----------------------------------------------------------------" (thought I'd better leave this one out!)

James MacLeod

"I'm actually Dolly the sheep and I wish you photographers would leave me alone. I'm on holiday O.K.!"

Alexander MacQueen (*Not the fashion designer I'm told! )

All will receive a large dollop of fresh manure from Taransay - I'm just waiting for the first bout of food poisoning!

 
POLL WINNER
 
Donald MacLean Winner of the 'Grand National Poll' was Councillor Donald Maclean who beat Kenny MacIver by a majority of 66% to 34%. Listen out for the commentating next year. (We were disappointed that our ploy aimed at receiving a signed Kenny MacIver photo didn't work! Kenny, send us one please!)

Poor Councillor Angus Graham, our hero, was voted a 'Silly Goat' though we suspect that this was a tactical vote.

Poll results were SCAPE GOAT - 29%, SILLY GOAT 71%. Many thanks to all who voted, including all the councillors!

Angus Graham
 
FOR PEATS SAKE!
 
PeatstackOne of the funniest things regarding Amadan was the e-mail I received from a North Uist reader concerning the peatstack image I used for the competition entitled 'Crofter's Commission'. This observant gentleman 'sussed' the peatstack from the photo and not only told me where it was, but also who had built it - "double herring bone, Uist style!" Surely this is worthy of some sort of prize !
 
HEARD THE ONE ABOUT....
 
The Amadan went to his local post office one day, weeks after the website had been launched. As usual, the topic of conversation was a bit blue - "Do you think Lorenzo will sign for Iochdar Saints when he leaves Ibrox? ........ Is David Murray really related to the Niseachs?.........Is it true that Advocaat is coming to the Pier Hotel for a holiday?..........." (Imagine that, talking about sport for at least five minutes without even mentioning Alick O'Henley's column in An Gaidheil Ur!) Anyway, to get on with the story, just as he was leaving, the postmaster asked 'Have you heard the one about the guy from North Uist who went to the sales in Lochboisdale?' and carried on telling the joke completely unaware that he was speaking to the author!
 
 
E-MAIL SNIPPETS
 

The manager of the Stornoway Gazette office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name, cove?" he asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, cove, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, MacLeod, MacNeil... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new cove sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling." "Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbour to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbour protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 8 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

A cove driving a Yugo pulls up at the traffic lights at mitchell's Garage next to a Rolls-Royce. The cove in the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Huidh, DHM, that's a beyewt of a car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!" DHM, the driver and Master of the Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone." The cove in the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo with marags in it!" DHM in the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator." The cove in the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!" DHM, the driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!" The cove in the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!" Upset that he did not have a bed, DHM in the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.

The next morning, he picked up the car. The bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. So DHM in the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked in a layby near Keose, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. DHM got out of the Rolls and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet. "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," retorted DHM arrogantly. The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower for that?!"

JM (Many thanks to this Hearrach who was the best contributer!)

 

Hugh, I hear there's a Stornowegian campaign to capture the "dot-cove" suffix for posterity! CM

 

Why did the BBC not put the "castaways"on St Kilda and why only one year why not ten years hard labour without home comforts . Give them 60 barrels of salt herring or gugas. C

 

What I really want to know: Does Mickey Mouse wear a Willie John MacAulay watch? Does Arthur Cormack sell versions with him firing aros? Anon

 

What four past and present Formula 1 Grand Prix racing drivers share their names with places in Scotland? Eddie Irvine, Stirling Moss, Johnny Dumfries and Ayr Town Centre! SJ

 

What a soouper site ! Just got the word about it today and laughed nearly to tears. Hope you can keep it up (as they say in these parts) ! What potential. Feasghar Mhath. KB

 

Enjoyed my visit will be back - keep up the excellent work. DM

 

No confession - just to say that this site is the best I've seen in a long time - tha e sgoinneil!! Keep up the good work. Anon

 

Very Funny Web Page - Brian Wilson was in this morning and I let him have a look at his page - he was quite amused. Keep up the good work AB

 

Tha an t-amadan direach spot on! MAK

 

What's orange and sounds like a parrot - A carrot! Pretty rough but it should be in good company with the rest of your jokes. SC

 

Dear Hugh, Thank you very much for "Amadan" best laugh I've had in ages. Cheers RM

 

What is the difference between Heaven and Lewis? In heaven they say 'Hey you get off my cloud,' whereas in Lewis they say ' Hey MacLeod get off my ewe.' CM

 

We love the site! Keep up the good work. TG

 

Well done on the website. I havent sniggered so much on the Sabbath since we got locked out of the church by the minister. I look forward to the next issue. LH

 

I found your site through the BarraWebsite links and think its great. CP

 

Why do officials from HIE carry briefcases? Because briefcases can't walk! EC

 

I have a confession to make. I am a bad man. Whilst attending a very important event in the Gaelic world which was attended by all and sundry, I told some nice friendly people that I would LOVE to stay and listen to them prattle at me for an hour or so, but secretly I was lusting after a little plastic ball and a BIG stick. I was desperate for a round. Whilst in the middle of my stunning opening speech, I saw the hope on their wee faces and thought, sod it, I'm outta here man! Tell me Amadan:-), do I come clean?

 

A Charaid, 'S fheirrde duine gire 's bha mi fhn gu strcadh an didh dhomh an iris a leughadh. Ach chan ann a' gireachdainn a bhithinn nam bithinn an lib Priseact nan Ealan. Nam bithinn, bhiodh an t-acras orm ma 's for an rud a chuala mu dheidhinn cuairt Malky null a Bhaile Ath Cliath bho chionn grunnan sheachdainean. Tha e coltach gun d'fhuair sluagh mr cuireadh gu dnneir ann an taigh-sda spaideil a choireigin thall an sin airson isdeachd ris an t-soisgeul a rir Malky chir. Bha iad air a bhith na b'fherr dheth nan robh iad air a bhith an lib Iosa Chrosda 's an t-aran 's na h-isg aige. Cho luath 's a thinig am biadh nach do dh'fhosgail mo laochan a bheul airson an fhrinn innse dhan chuideachd. Ma dh'fhosgail, nach do lean e air... 's lean e air, 's lean e air... fad crr math is uair a thde. Fhad 's a bha am biadh a' fuarachadh, bha na stamagan a' brchdail 's bha na caolain a' cronadh, ach d 'n diofar - 's fherr an inntinn a bhiathadh na am br a lonadh. An didh na h-raid, dh'fhalbh na h-aoighean 'nan cabhag, 's tha e coltach gun d'rinn chip shops Bhaile Ath Cliath roaring trade. Tha iad a' smaoineachadh air contract a thoirt do Mhalky a dhol a-null nas trice ach an dan na businesses aca prothaid chunbhalach. 'S bha an taigh-sda air an digh glan - cha robh aca ach am biadh a chur dhan mhicrowave 's a thoirt seachad dhan fheadhainn a thinig a-steach air an oidhche. Bha an luchd-ealain a chaidh an crdhadh a-steach san taigh-sda an dil gu robh lithean an acrais mhir air tilleadh a dh'irinn! Ma 's breug bhuam e...

 

Thank you! I had my first real belly-laugh in ages when I found your site...The Cessna had me in fits (whilst trying in vain to understand the tut tuts around me). I've always felt that I didn't quite fit in....but you made me feel at home - at last. Anon

 

This was sent in by a reader!

 

The site is a breath of fresh air and went down a treat in our office EM

 

CURRY IN YOUR PORRIDGE. If you have breakfast of the Hebridean Isles and your porridge tastes of Curry, then don`t blame the chef. Instead, blame management. Various catering and environmental health regulation require the male stewards (even bald ones) to wear a fancy cap when serving food. However, the managment insist these men wear a full length tie. It is fascinating, to stand in the queue, and watch the ends of these ties trailing through the serving dishes of the Rabbit Stew and the Octopus pie. Surely, men working in such a warm environment should have their shirt necks open and not even wear a bow tie. Any glimpse of a dark hairy chest would be far better for the tourist trade than a sticky Cal Mac tie. JM (DON'T TAKE GREEN THAI CURRY IF IT'S ON THE MENU FOLKS! - Hugh)

 

 

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