t ARE YOU A MAW?

 

Maw

In Lewis they're called 'Maws', in Uist they are called 'Naatties' and in Skye they are simply 'Locals'. Everybody knows one, but are you sure you aren't one yourself? Amadan has made up a list of ways to tell if you fit the bill - if you can identify yourself with a couple of these, I'm afraid there's no hope for you!
   
1 You eat the wrapper as well as the black pudding
2 You go to church and the supermarket in a tractor and trailer
3 You look for a partner in the livestock section of the Stornoway Gazette
4 You go down on your hands and knees to eat your food
5 You tie your trousers/skirt with binder twine
6 You tie your shoes with the same
7 You use 'Castrol GTX' to style your hair
8 The last time you washed your hair was for the Queen's Silver Jubilee
9 You buy your underwear from JD William's
10 You have a tin of 'Raid' on the kitchen table
11. You like 'Spam'
12. Your sheepdog retches watching you eat
13. Going to the toilet involves a walk outside
14. Your last meal was walking around your house ten minutes before you ate it
15. You clean your teeth with 'Jif'
16. You use the 'Free Press' to cover holes in your wall
17. Less than half the cars round your crofthouse actually work
18. You send requests into the 'Durachdan' on BBC RnG more than once a week
19. Your dog sits in the front of your van more often than your spouse
20. Blythswood refuse to take your cast off clothes
21. You were in your local bar when your children were born
22. You've deliberately hit a deer or sheep with your car
23. You've given a rat trap as a Christmas present
24. You have been involved in a custody battle over your sheepdog
25. You clean 'Massey Ferguson' parts in the bath
26. Your partner weighs more than your fridge
27. You wear your socks and pants inside out to make them last twice as long
28. You keep the council wheelie bin in your kitchen
29. You wash your wellies in the sink without someone yelling at you
30. You eat herring on a sandwich
31. You go to the local swimming pool when you need a wash
32. You clean your fingernails with a stick
33. You order your teeth from a catalogue
34. You've mistaken your auntie Murdina for a man
35. You've tried to drown a fish
36. Your bed sleeps more than one pet, as well as yourself
37. There are no left overs when you eat a crab
38. You have pet names for each of your 150 sheep
39. You think Kenny MacIver is a celebrity
40. You have two brothers called Angus
41. The same wellies have been in your family for five generations
42. You vacuum your sheets instead of washing them
43. The strongest smell in your house is 'Calor Gas'
44. Your kitchen continually smells of fish or boiled mutton
45. You get dressed up to go to Stornoway/Portree/Castlebay/Balivanaich
46. You go swimming in the drainage ditch behind your house
47. You have ever eaten sheeps head broth
48. You grow a moustache so you look more like your mother
49. You've ever had to siphon petrol from your tractor to put in the car
50. You don't own a lawnmower and have never used one
   

mona lissack

the croft